#no one does pain and sorrow as well as Jacob <3 I will be crying

[onlymywishfulthinking]

"I wanted to forget him, and yet it seemed I thought of him always." Anne Rice's Interview with the Vampire s2 - May 12th on AMC/AMC+

[bansheeoftheforest]

Can we get some rambles about some Moreau's Revenge AU? Like more in deoth about how everyone reacts and feels? Maybe some Emma reaction? Jacob? The public? Does feral!Jekyll ever hurt anyone badly? Do he and Zosi play alot? Is Hyde still there, just trapped in the subconscious of Henry's mind? When he's back to himself, does he still maintain some of his feral behaviours? Does he slip into his feral state as a defense mechanism?

Ok i just gotta mention I love it when people come up with aus, thrust them onto me, and then tell me to come up with ideas/the canon for the aus, I'm not even sarcastic, I just love that everyone has collectively decided that I'm an au hoarder and therefore, I should have all the aus and I should also be the one making the content for them. I love my job and I love all my little kitties bringing me dead mice all the time <3

Also! I'm just going to ramble every single fact that my brain comes up with, and this is specifically going to be about the Feral!Branch of the au <3

Henry got kidnapped after walking home from a dinner with a few of his close friends. Moreau stalked him until Henry was alone, to which he knocked him out and dragged him off to his funky hideout.

It takes a whole month before people find Moreau's hideout. By that time Henry has already been severely beaten, his bones are broken and his body is bloody, yet that doesn't stop him from prowling his tiny cage. Much like an abused dog, he completely ignored his wounds or just made them worse by biting on them, or by trying to stand on his legs when the rescuers found him. Instead of cheering and being relieved, he snarled and growled and tried to swat at them with his claws.

The first four that got into the hideout were Brokenshire, the Commissioner, Jenkins, and Wipple. The four of them were already friends with Jekyll and they were the most worried. While the other police arrested Moreau, they took it upon themselves to find Henry.

They found Henry in a small labspace, laying on the floor while whimpering. The moment he saw them he became aggressive. The only indication that he really was not human anymore was his eyes, sharp teeth, claws, and pointier ears. Subtle changes that were enough to tell them that there was no awareness behind those large eyes.

The sound of pain and anger that Henry made when they had to muzzle him is a sound that will forever haunt every single police officer from that day forward. They had to cuff his arms and practically drag him to the police vehicle, despite the muzzle he managed to make his displeasure and pain quite clear.

They brought Henry to the Society immediately, and made sure that no one else saw him. They but a sheet over the cage they kept him in and told anyone who asked that it was a runaway monster that they were going to dump with the Lodgers. They made the Lodgers gather in the foyer before the revealed who actually was in the cage.

The Lodgers were, to say the least, shocked and horrified. Not only was Henry so badly beaten that he could barely stand by himself, but the way he snarled and swatted after them invoked such a... Uncanny feeling within them. It wasn't really until then they realized how serious all of this was, the whole situation with Moreau.

All Lodgers were absolutely disgusted with what Moreau had done to Henry, but Ito, Maijabi, Jasper (plus Rachel and Robert, of course) were the most affected. The police had to physically restrain them from rushing up to the cage because if Henry got close enough he would not hesitate to hurt them. Brokenshire and the Commissioner (God I swear to god I'm THIS close to oc-fying him oh my god) both have scratch marks from trying to get close and calm Jekyll.

The police helped the Lodgers move Henry to an empty lab room where he could be alone. They still kept him in a cage for quite a while, yet the moment that they had gotten him into the room, Robert completely burst out crying. He really could not believe that happened to his best friend, he is unsure if they even can save him, yet he swears to himself that he will make sure that Henry is safe. He was this close to decking an officer who, during a meeting that he attended at the police station with those present during the day of Henry's rescue, suggested that they put Henry in Bethlam.

Robert did not allow anyone to get into Henry's room, mostly for their own safety, and because he wanted to monitor Henry's recovery himself. No one really listened to that. Sometimes a Lodger (or a whole group) would sneak in just to have a look at him, or give him some treats or some kind of toy. Henry often found himself too exhausted and too wounded to try to chase them away, instead panting on the floor of his cage for most of the time while his visitors observed him with pure sorrow.

Ito, Maijabi, Jasper, and Rachel were the ones that visited Henry the most. Ito and Maijabi would often just sit a bit away from the cage and observe him for a bit, maybe try to talk to him, occasionally they would help steal food from the kitchen to give to Henry. Rachel and Jasper were put in charge of feeding him most of the time, and it was only when Rachel and Jasper threw in chicken in his cage that he let himself be distracted from them and stop snarling just so he could eat. All of them left with tears in their eyes most of the time.

All the Lodgers would be worried, all Lodgers would try to visit Henry, but out of them Ito and Maijabi had it worst. Maijabi felt like he was losing his son, Ito-- so often cold and honest-- had never cried so much in her life when seeing her mentor in such a state. They often comfort each other, and do their best to always be available to help Robert with whatever he needs.

Emma route: I imagine that Henry and Emma are already married at that point. She has been worried sick for Henry the entire time, the police stop by her and Henry's house immediately after dropping Henry off at the Society. She rushes to the Society and the Lodgers all seem so... Sad, horrified, she gets more and more scared and suddenly she sees Robert and Rachel and Jasper, all three looking pale and ill. She begs them to tell her where Henry is... Robert can't even get any words out of him. He simply shows her to the room where they are going to keep Henry and shows her Henry's cage. Poor man is still laying bloody on the floor, still in a muzzle, but he barely has any visible sclera from his dilated irises and his hair is wild. He lays like a beaten dog, he doesn't even react as Emma kneels on the floor outside his cage. Emma turns around and demands and explanation from Robert, Robert sits down on the floor next to her and quietly explains everything the police told him, what Moreau did to Henry. Robert hugs Emma as she just starts crying, but both leave quickly to not... Well, bother Henry, who grows impatient and starts rattling against the cage. Not only has she been incredibly scared and worried for her husband the entire month he was gone, now Henry seems so close and yet so far away and he doesn't even recognize her, he is beaten like a dog and thinks he is some sort of animal and it just... It all becomes so much for her. She leaves the Society and the Lodgers don't see her much after that, although she does come and visit almost every day (and whether or not people know that she does it, is an entirely different question) just to see her husband. Sometimes she will bring food (Henry always loved her cooking) or a toy for him, and she ends up being the first person that he actually allows to touch him voluntarily, despite Robert forcing himself on him so he can patch him up.

Jacob route: Jacob would find out because Abberline and or Brokenshire would tell him about the state they found Henry in. Jacob would probably hear the news that Moreau’s lab got busted and immediately make his way to the Scotland Yard and demand that the police tell him where Henry is. They would tell him as much as they are allowed to about the case, then tell him to go and talk to Robert Lanyon in the Society. Of course Jacob doesn’t do that, he just immediately breaks in and searches everywhere for Henry. Eventually Robert spots him parkouring over the rafters and chases him down until Jacob manages to find the room where they keep Henry. Jacob opens the door and immediately finds Henry tearing through an entire turkey leg, although he immediately abandons the food snarl and bark (or, well, the aggressive equivalent of a bark) at him and Robert, reaching his hand out of the cage in an attempt of tearing them to shreds. No recognition at all in his eyes, Jacob can only stare for a while. Henry looks the same yet so inhumane. Robert does his best to explain everything, Jacob can only watch in pure horror as he hears what became of his lover, seeing it right in front of him. He doesn’t even let Robert finish his sentence before he has already stormed out. He does not care what the police planned to do with Moreau, he goes straight to whatever cell they keep him in and murders him in cold blood. He doesn’t go back to the Society afterwards, no, he goes to the train hideout and hastily tells Evie and Green what happened to Henry, he spends the rest of the night drinking. Unlike the Lodgers and Emma, he stays away for quite a bit. He doesn’t return until a few days later when he has managed to pick himself up. He makes sure that the news and/or rumors of what happened to Henry dies down quicker than they can rise, sometimes he actually has the courage to visit him but only every few days. He gets to see first hand how Henry recovers-- physically, at least, and slowly and surely he starts warming up to having people near him. After only a few weeks, Henry allows Jacob to touch him. Something about him (and Emma in her route, of course) feels familiar, calm and protective. Henry puts his head in Jacob’s hand and Jacob quietly swears that he will always protect him, no matter how long this goes on for.

The public (even including the Lanyons and the Carews, and most parts of the Scotland yard) never get to know what actually happened to Henry, as the rescuers made a good job at making sure no news or rumors spread or that anyone saw Henry in the state he was in. As far as they are aware, Henry is currently in a coma, and slowly Robert feeds into the news, updating people around them about Henry’s condition. “He is stable”, he will say, “but I’m afraid it’s hard to know when he will wake up... If he ever will”. It’s safer to make it seem like he is unconscious rather than conscious because Robert knows that people (journalists, Lanyon Sr, Sir. Carew, etc) will demand to visit him. Once Henry is unferal, they let him decide when he wants the news of his “awakening” to be spread.

The worst Henry has hurt someone was either fighting back to Moreau (which didn’t happen often, as he was too scared of him), but I’d also like to imagine that besides scratching the officers, he bit and hurt Robert quite badly, either Robert or one of the Lodgers, because he got overwhelmed and stressed. Robert really does not blame him no matter how badly it hurt or how serious the wound got, he shouldn’t have overwhelmed him but in his defense, cat body language is hard to read on a human. A positive from that was that Henry clearly felt guilty afterwards when he calmed down, which might have been the first ever sign that Henry was “savable”, as he clearly felt bad over what he did rather than trying to finish the job. It was the first time he actually walked up to Robert and touched him-- headbutted him, even, because he felt so bad for what he did because Robert has only been nice to him. Robert was wrapping a bandage around his arm when Henry came up to him, gently chirping and headbutting him, and Robert straight up bawled his eyes out.

Zosi was literally the only living being that Henry allowed close to him for many, many days. Zosi was both undead and also an animal, which was the two things that Henry associated with safety after having found comfort with Moreau’s monstrosities. Zosi was quickly in charge of being the one to give Henry food and medicine since Henry would allow no one else to get close to his cage, and Zosi was in sole charge of keeping Henry entertained and happy and calm while Robert tried to figure out how to proceed with the treatment. Zosi was just happy to have Henry back, and Henry was happy to have a friend.

When Henry got tortured and lost his sense of awareness, Hyde faded away, but only temporarily. He is, as said, trapped in the mindscape for the time being and until Henry gets his awareness back. It’s quite a nightmare for Hyde because he is watching in real time, while also processing the trauma from Moreau, as Henry’s mind crumbles. Gone are the mind people, instead they are replaced by vague primal instincts and animal behaviors. It’s definitely not as serious as Hyde feels it is, as it’s a slow but sure recovery from a steady dip to awareness as soon as Henry is removed from the lab, but it’s still incredibly scary for him. Henry can’t see or hear him anymore, and even if he could, he wouldn’t be able to react or process him.

It takes almost about 1-3 months before Henry has warmed up to everyone, physically healed, and was able to get the therapy he needed to even become aware, yet he never got rid of the feralness in him. Whenever he is stressed, scared, or overwhelmed, he might jump back into pure feralness or get a few of the key characteristics; subtle physical and behavioral appearance, etc. Sometimes it’s hard for him to get out of it, sometimes it’s not. Sometimes all he has to do is calm down and relax, sometimes he has to sleep it off. Regardless, the Lodgers and his friends/love interests all do their best to keep Henry calmed and relaxed, and make sure he never has to endure as much stress as he did before and after what happened with Moreau. 

(Basically, he goes from full feral to what the Feral Au is rn)

The public never really gets to know about Henry’s... Ahem, condition, however, most seem to accept the excuse that Henry has terrible anxiety after his torture, ergo making it easy for his friends or lover/s to help Henry out of a room or a situation when he starts feeling overwhelmed and like he is about to turn feral. They are all calm and patient and loving and protective with him, every single one, and Henry is forever grateful for the patient they bring him.

Some random rambles btw:

Out of everyone that isn’t his lover for the branch, Henry’s favorite persons are Maijabi and Ito. Maijabi because he feels like his dad, Ito because the feral state in Henry sees her as his cub or pup, in some weird way. When Henry is docile, both Maijabi and Ito quickly learn that Henry very much loves attention and grooming his favorite persons.

I got the idea while writing the Emma route that maybe she was already pregnant by the time that Henry got kidnapped and turned feral, although it was early on in the pregnancy. I just love the angst of Emma wondering if she will lose her husband and if Henry will ever get to meet their child, and the thought of feral Henry freely being allowed to get close to Emma (they were all very worried about that) and immediately sniffing and headbutting her belly is just <3 (Also the thought of Henry almost immediately panicking when the kid is born and Emma wants him to hold him, suddenly his eyes dilate and his hair puffs up but it’s like a cat staring at something absolutely wonderful)

Surprisingly, Frankenstein was one of those who often would sneak into Henry’s room just to see him. In this crossover au, I’d imagine she’d be much more sympathetic for him. Maybe she would talk to him and apologize for bringing him into this at all, maybe she would even apologize for what she said and did to him personally.

I refuse to acknowledge a bad au branch for this one where Henry turns permanently feral and they either have to kill him or let him loose in the wild <3

[melindawrites]

Rose

Another short story. This is my favorite one, and I would work on this one to make it better, or a full novel. PLEASE Comment/critique my writing, guys! I want to be better! <3

---

           The last night of summer had arrived, and a warm breeze passed every once in a while, as Elle and Rose sat on the back porch and listened to the waves of the ocean lightly lapping not too far from them. What should have been a night filled with love and happiness was a night filled with sorrow instead. Elle’s sorrow was so bad that she physically felt ill from it. Elle fought against the sickness that kept making its way up her throat from her stomach, and all she could taste was the acidic version of her salad from earlier that day. She swallowed each bit as it fought to come back up, knowing that getting sick would just prove this was really happening – that they were losing. She couldn’t stop the future from happening, from her leaving Rose. She couldn’t control anything else in this moment except for the sick that threatened her.

          After a minute of silence, Elle looked up from wondering when that freckle found its place on her hand. Rose was looking away from her, out the window toward the ocean. The moon was out, and it was the only source of light outside. Elle followed Rose’s gaze outside the window, her eyes finding their way to the ocean not too far away. There was a serenity in the water, where moonlight hit the surface, forming a bluish-white glow in the otherwise total black. It was strange to Elle that such a beautiful, bright, peaceful scene could manage to signify…loss? What did it signify? Hell if she knew… All she knew was that she was losing Rose, and she couldn’t stop it.

          She took her eyes away from the ocean, looking back at Rose. Rose was still looking outside, no doubt attempting to hide her face from Elle. But she was betrayed by the light of the moon. She sat perfectly poised; back straight, shoulders back, hands resting together in her lap. Her golden-brown hair was tied back in a loose ponytail. Elle admired the way Rose attempted to appear strong even though they were losing each other. It was her face that showed her pain; her cheeks were red, and her eyes were puffy from crying. Her face was wet from the tears that didn’t – couldn’t – stop falling.

           Elle wished like hell she could take Rose’s pain away, but she felt it, too. She thought about how strange it was that someone she had known for such a short period of time could make her feel this horrible. But despite the short time, Rose had become a part of her this summer back home in Maine.

          Elle had been walking the beach the morning she got back from college, and she was still cursing her boyfriend, Jacob, under her breath as she walked. He had canceled their trip to Europe literally last minute, just as Elle had finished putting her packed bags in the trunk of his car. He had given some bullshit excuse that his football scholarship depended on it, even though he had broken his leg and fractured his wrist, meaning he couldn’t even play. Elle listened patiently as Jake had explained the importance of this summer and how they could still have oh-so much fun even though they weren’t in Ireland. When he had finished talking, she told him he could have fun sitting on the bench by himself, and that she was going home to Maine for the summer since he decided he wanted to be a selfish prick.

          She was cursing him to herself on the beach, arguing that she was totally in the right, he was just going to screw some other girls that summer and drink with his friends. On the other hand, she had been kind of a bitch, and would he have really enjoyed Europe with his injuries? It was in the middle of this internal debate that she had suddenly tripped and fallen, face-planting into the grainy sand. Taken aback, Elle sat up and turned around, spitting sand out of her mouth. That’s when she first found herself face-to-face with Rose.

          Rose had sat up, sunglasses in hand and sunhat resting safely atop her head despite the wind. Her eyes were wide, and Elle was stunned by how they looked almost yellow – not a sick, grossly yellow, but like a sunflower or the sun itself. Elle found herself frozen as she took in all the features of her face; her doe-shaped eyes, her perfectly shaped brows, her petite, light-pink colored lips. Her skin was so smooth and white, except for a small mole above her upper lip, and it was almost as though she were looking at a porcelain doll. Elle found herself smiling when she thought about how sunbathing wouldn’t help someone so white; she’d just burn.

          Rose didn’t find this amusing. “Uh, is something funny?” she asked, leaning forward to observe her leg, as though Elle had done some terrible and permanent damage to it by tripping. She looked back at Elle. “I’m pretty sure you just bruised my leg. Is there a reason you weren’t watching where you were going?” Elle admired the fire she saw in Rose’s eyes.

          “Sorry, I guess?” Elle said, feeling both irritated and inspired.

          “Yeah, well, you should be.” Rose put back on her sunglasses and leaned back, holding herself up on her elbows. Her chestnut hair, slightly wavy in a way that Elle envied, blew lightly in the wind. “You know this is a private beach, right?”

          “Oh, yeah, totally.”

          “Then why are you here?”

          Elle laughed, pointing at the light blue beach house behind them up the pathway. “That’s my house.”

          Rose sat up fast, grabbing at her things on the towel beside her. “Oh, shit. My bad, dude. I totally didn’t know.” As she started getting up, Elle reached out and touched her arm, stopping her. Rose paused, looking at her, her glasses falling slightly so their eyes met.

          “Stay,” Elle said.

          That morning, they had gotten to know each other, hanging out together on the beach. Rose wanted to know why she had never seen Elle before; Elle told her she went to school in New York for English Literature. Elle asked how long Rose had been there; Rose and her boyfriend, Damien, had just moved to town a few months ago, leaving behind the New York life. Rose wanted to know why New York; Elle wanted to know why not New York – it sure beat the boring same-old that existed in Maine. Elle told Rose about Jacob, how much of a jerk he was, but how much she loved him. Rose told her that she wanted to go back to New York, but Damien was ready to settle down and be boring. She said she loved him, but Elle could see that it was said out of habit and not truth. It was the way Rose had averted her eyes, her voice almost monotone, as though she didn’t care. She just said it because it was what was expected, what was known. After five years together, it was easy to see this. At least, for Elle it was.

          The next few weeks they got together in the mornings on the beach, walking around and exploring whatever they could as they got closer. Elle told Rose that Jacob had apologized, but she was still sure that he was cheating on her. Rose asked why she’d stay with him and not confront him about it. “I love him,” Elle would say, and Rose would look away, her mouth pursed as though she wanted to say something but was holding back.

          On the 4th of July, after family events had come and passed, Elle and Rose had met again on the beach that night. Elle told her parents to stay at her uncle’s house, don’t worry about her, she’s just got a headache. She hadn’t told her parents about Rose, and she wasn’t sure why. It’s not like they were doing anything, they were just hanging out, talking. They were just friends. There was no reason to hide their friendship. She just…did.

          On the beach, Elle and Rose sat next to each other on the sand, wrapped up together in a huge blanket from Elle’s house. They watched as fireworks went off in the far distance, past where the ocean appeared to have ended. It was a chilly night, and Rose wasn’t talking like she normally did. All she had muttered was something about Damien and how he wanted to get married, and Elle couldn’t figure out what was wrong with that. She would love to get married someday… Just maybe not to Jacob.

          Elle shook her head, nudging Rose gently in the stomach, grinning widely. “Hey, guess what I brought,” she said before reaching behind her, pulling out a bottle of red wine. “Let’s get drunk, bitch.”

          “Hand it over,” Rose smirked, pulling the cork out and downing what seemed like half the bottle.

          “Damn,” Elle said, taking it from her as she finished, taking a swig from the bottle.

          They sat for a few minutes and Elle could feel herself getting warmer, no doubt an effect from the booze. She watched as the water moved in slowly up the shore, then simmered back into itself. There was a calmness in the air and Elle found herself turning to face Rose. Rose stayed still, staring out into the ocean in front of her.

          “Elle,” Rose said.

          Elle put her head forward, resting her forehead on Rose’s shoulder. “Yeah, Rose?”

          “I’m not happy.”

          Elle lifted her head and looked Rose. Rose was looking at her now, her eyes filled with tears, waiting to escape their prison. The yellow had dulled slightly and Elle felt an urgency that she couldn’t explain. As she watched the tears release themselves from the grasp of Rose’s eyes, Elle felt compelled to help Rose – to save her.

          “Kiss me, Elle,” Rose whispered – pleaded. Elle moved her face closer to Rose’s, moving her gaze from her eyes to her lips. They were still a light pink, still soft-looking. Elle felt her heartbeat rising, and she tried to keep her breathing steady as she closed the gap between them, closing her eyes and pressing her lips against Rose’s – gently as first, then with a passion she hadn’t felt in…years. How long had it been since she’d had that nervous feeling before a kiss? Since her and Jacob started dating last September? She embraced the nervousness, channeling it into excitement as she moved her hands through Rose’s long, silky hair. In between kisses, Rose would say Elle’s name lovingly, holding her close as her tears became a warm, wet mess on both of their cheeks.

          Elle paused, pulling back, and looking at Rose, whose fire had reignited in her eyes. She smiled, pulling Rose closer to her and kissing the parts of her face Jacob had neglected on her own; her forehead, her ears, her cheeks. She even kissed the mole above Rose’s lip before finding her mouth again.

          Elle thought about this moment – the moment when their love had become real, had become alive. She thought about all the promises they’d made afterward, about going back to New York and getting their own place, screw the guys, they’d have each other. She thought about their continual exchange of kisses for the remainder of the summer. They would spend nights together on the beach, more often than not falling asleep in each other’s arms as the waves lapped, and the tide moved in and out. Elle thought about all of these things as she watched Rose now on the porch, on their last night together.

          Rose finally turned to look at Elle, and she couldn’t stop the tears from falling from her eyes. Elle knelt in front of Rose, grabbing her hands and holding them in hers. The fire in her eyes were gone again. Rose didn’t even try to smile.

          “Hey,” Elle said, her eyes looking down at their trembling hands briefly before looking back to Rose’s eyes. “Everything will be fine, year?” A sob was released from Rose, snot coming out of her nose. Even still, Elle thought she was beautiful.

          “Why can’t we just stay together?” Rose cried in between sobs. “Screw Jacob, screw Damien. I love you, Elle.”

          Elle’s wide eyes met Rose’s, and she was surprised to hear the words for the first time. Of course, she had been wanting to say the same thing, but never knew how to. How do you admit to someone that you love them, truly love them, when society tells you that you are both supposed to be with other people? And yet, Rose had managed to do what Elle had previously been unable to.

          “Oh, Rose,” Elle laughed, finding her own tears flowing freely. “I love you, too.”

          Rose leaned forward, her face closer to Elle’s, and she gripped her hands tightly, almost pleadingly. Her eyes had a fire – an urgency – that Elle hadn’t seen before. “Then stay with me, Elle,” she pleaded. “Or let me come with you to New York, like we said. Finish school and I’ll work, and we can be together. What’s stopping us from being together?”

          Elle had pondered this herself; what was stopping them from being together for real? It’s not like they couldn’t make things work – they were so in sync with each other, and they clearly loved each other. Elle hadn’t been even thinking about Jacob, or college, or New York. Any minute not with Rose was spent thinking about her. So why couldn’t they be together? It wasn’t like her and Jacob would last, especially not since they had both cheated.

          Elle thought about marriage, and how she realized that she wanted to spend her life with Rose. But Rose had already expressed that she didn’t want to settle down, so what could they do? Be flighty little lesbians hooking up on beaches until Rose decided she was bored of that instead? Elle was surprised at the thoughts that were entering her mind, but couldn’t help but think there was some truth in them. Because there was always a bit of truth in the random things people think, and in the lies that people tell, whether they be to themselves or others.

          Elle took a deep breath, closing her eyes and holding her breath in for a moment before releasing and opening her eyes again. She was beat. “I’m sorry, Rose.” She looked back out to the ocean for comfort, but not finding any. Rose sat there sobbing for a long time, and the tears made their way silently from Elle’s eyes. They stayed like that for a long time, until Rose’s sobs became less frequent and she had cried herself into a miserable sleep. But Elle watched the sun come up.

[muchlovedson]

Warning for America

1“If you will return, O Israel,” says the Lord,

“Return to Me;

And if you will put away your abominations out of My sight,

Then you shall not be moved.

2And you shall swear, ‘The Lord lives,’

In truth, in judgment, and in righteousness;

The nations shall bless themselves in Him,

And in Him they shall glory.”

3For thus says the Lord to the men of Judah and Jerusalem:

“Break up your fallow ground,

And do not sow among thorns.

4Circumcise yourselves to the Lord,

And take away the foreskins of your hearts,

You men of Judah and inhabitants of Jerusalem,

Lest My fury come forth like fire,

And burn so that no one can quench it,

Because of the evil of your doings.”

An Imminent Invasion

5Declare in Judah and proclaim in Jerusalem, and say:

“Blow the trumpet in the land;

Cry, ‘Gather together,’

And say, ‘Assemble yourselves,

And let us go into the fortified cities.’

6Set up the standard toward Zion.

Take refuge! Do not delay!

For I will bring disaster from the north,

And great destruction.”

7The lion has come up from his thicket,

And the destroyer of nations is on his way.

He has gone forth from his place

To make your land desolate.

Your cities will be laid waste,

Without inhabitant.

8For this, clothe yourself with sackcloth,

Lament and wail.

For the fierce anger of the Lord

Has not turned back from us.

9“And it shall come to pass in that day,” says the Lord,

“That the heart of the king shall perish,

And the heart of the princes;

The priests shall be astonished,

And the prophets shall wonder.”

10Then I said, “Ah, Lord God!

Surely You have greatly deceived this people and Jerusalem,

Saying, ‘You shall have peace,’

Whereas the sword reaches to the heart.”

11At that time it will be said

To this people and to Jerusalem,

“A dry wind of the desolate heights blows in the wilderness

Toward the daughter of My people—

Not to fan or to cleanse—

12A wind too strong for these will come for Me;

Now I will also speak judgment against them.”

13“Behold, he shall come up like clouds,

And his chariots like a whirlwind.

His horses are swifter than eagles.

Woe to us, for we are plundered!”

14O Jerusalem, wash your heart from wickedness,

That you may be saved.

How long shall your evil thoughts lodge within you?

15For a voice declares from Dan

And proclaims affliction from Mount Ephraim:

16“Make mention to the nations,

Yes, proclaim against Jerusalem,

That watchers come from a far country

And raise their voice against the cities of Judah.

17Like keepers of a field they are against her all around,

Because she has been rebellious against Me,” says the Lord.

18“Your ways and your doings

Have procured these things for you.

This is your wickedness,

Because it is bitter,

Because it reaches to your heart.”

Sorrow for the Doomed Nation

19O my soul, my soul!

I am pained in my very heart!

My heart makes a noise in me;

I cannot hold my peace,

Because you have heard, O my soul,

The sound of the trumpet,

The alarm of war.

20Destruction upon destruction is cried,

For the whole land is plundered.

Suddenly my tents are plundered,

And my curtains in a moment.

21How long will I see the standard,

And hear the sound of the trumpet?

22“For My people are foolish,

They have not known Me.

They are silly children,

And they have no understanding.

They are wise to do evil,

But to do good they have no knowledge.”

23I beheld the earth, and indeed it was without form, and void;

And the heavens, they had no light.

24I beheld the mountains, and indeed they trembled,

And all the hills moved back and forth.

25I beheld, and indeed there was no man,

And all the birds of the heavens had fled.

26I beheld, and indeed the fruitful land was a wilderness,

And all its cities were broken down

At the presence of the Lord,

By His fierce anger.

27For thus says the Lord:

“The whole land shall be desolate;

Yet I will not make a full end.

28For this shall the earth mourn,

And the heavens above be black,

Because I have spoken.

I have purposed and will not relent,

Nor will I turn back from it.

29The whole city shall flee from the noise of the horsemen and bowmen.

They shall go into thickets and climb up on the rocks.

Every city shall be forsaken,

And not a man shall dwell in it.

30“And when you are plundered,

What will you do?

Though you clothe yourself with crimson,

Though you adorn yourself with ornaments of gold,

Though you enlarge your eyes with paint,

In vain you will make yourself fair;

Your lovers will despise you;

They will seek your life.

31“For I have heard a voice as of a woman in labor,

The anguish as of her who brings forth her first child,

The voice of the daughter of Zion bewailing herself;

She spreads her hands, saying,

‘Woe is me now, for my soul is weary

Because of murderers!’

Jeremiah 4 NKJV

“Thus says the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel: “Amend your ways and your doings, and I will cause you to dwell in this place.

“For if you thoroughly amend your ways and your doings, if you thoroughly execute judgment between a man and his neighbor, if you do not oppress the stranger, the fatherless, and the widow, and do not shed innocent blood in this place, or walk after other gods to your hurt, then I will cause you to dwell in this place, in the land that I gave to your fathers forever and ever. “Behold, you trust in lying words that cannot profit. Will you steal, murder, commit adultery, swear falsely, burn incense to Baal, and walk after other gods whom you do not know, and then come and stand before Me in this house which is called by My name, and say, ‘We are delivered to do all these abominations’? Has this house, which is called by My name, become a den of thieves in your eyes? Behold, I, even I, have seen it, ” says the LORD.

And now, because you have done all these works,” says the LORD, “and I spoke to you, rising up early and speaking, but you did not hear, and I called you, but you did not answer, therefore I will do to the house which is called by My name, in which you trust, and to this place which I gave to you and your fathers, as I have done to Shiloh.

The children gather wood, the fathers kindle the fire, and the women knead dough, to make cakes for the queen of heaven; and they pour out drink offerings to other gods, that they may provoke Me to anger. Do they provoke Me to anger?” says the LORD. “ Do they not provoke themselves, to the shame of their own faces?” Therefore thus says the Lord GOD: “Behold, My anger and My fury will be poured out on this place—on man and on beast, on the trees of the field and on the fruit of the ground. And it will burn and not be quenched.”

But this is what I commanded them, saying, ‘Obey My voice, and I will be your God, and you shall be My people. And walk in all the ways that I have commanded you, that it may be well with you.’ Yet they did not obey or incline their ear, but followed the counsels and the dictates of their evil hearts, and went backward and not forward. Since the day that your fathers came out of the land of Egypt until this day, I have even sent to you all My servants the prophets, daily rising up early and sending them. Yet they did not obey Me or incline their ear, but stiffened their neck. They did worse than their fathers.

“So you shall say to them, ‘This is a nation that does not obey the voice of the LORD their God nor receive correction. Truth has perished and has been cut off from their mouth. Cut off your hair and cast it away, and take up a lamentation on the desolate heights; for the LORD has rejected and forsaken the generation of His wrath.’ For the children of Judah have done evil in My sight,” says the LORD. “They have set their abominations in the house which is called by My name, to pollute it.”

‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭7:3, 5-11, 13-14, 18-20, 23-26, 28-30‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

* fireworks in Honolulu

15Behold, I will bring a nation against you from afar,

O house of Israel,” says the Lord.

“It is a mighty nation,

It is an ancient nation,

A nation whose language you do not know,

Nor can you understand what they say.

16Their quiver is like an open tomb;

They are all mighty men.

17And they shall eat up your harvest and your bread,

Which your sons and daughters should eat.

They shall eat up your flocks and your herds;

They shall eat up your vines and your fig trees;

They shall destroy your fortified cities,

In which you trust, with the sword.

18“Nevertheless in those days,” says the Lord, “I will not make a complete end of you. 19And it will be when you say, ‘Why does the Lord our God do all these things to us?’ then you shall answer them, ‘Just as you have forsaken Me and served foreign gods in your land, so you shall serve aliens in a land that is not yours.’

20“Declare this in the house of Jacob

And proclaim it in Judah, saying,

21‘Hear this now, O foolish people,

Without understanding,

Who have eyes and see not,

And who have ears and hear not:

22Do you not fear Me?’ says the Lord.

‘Will you not tremble at My presence,

Who have placed the sand as the bound of the sea,

By a perpetual decree, that it cannot pass beyond it?

And though its waves toss to and fro,

Yet they cannot prevail;

Though they roar, yet they cannot pass over it.

23But this people has a defiant and rebellious heart;

They have revolted and departed.

24They do not say in their heart,

“Let us now fear the Lord our God,

Who gives rain, both the former and the latter, in its season.

He reserves for us the appointed weeks of the harvest.”

25Your iniquities have turned these things away,

And your sins have withheld good from you.

26‘For among My people are found wicked men;

They lie in wait as one who sets snares;

They set a trap;

They catch men.

27As a cage is full of birds,

So their houses are full of deceit.

Therefore they have become great and grown rich.

28They have grown fat, they are sleek;

Yes, they surpass the deeds of the wicked;

They do not plead the cause,

The cause of the fatherless;

Yet they prosper,

And the right of the needy they do not defend.

29Shall I not punish them for these things?’ says the Lord.

‘Shall I not avenge Myself on such a nation as this?’

30“An astonishing and horrible thing

Has been committed in the land:

31The prophets prophesy falsely,

And the priests rule by their own power;

And My people love to have it so.

But what will you do in the end?

Jeremiah 5:15-31 NKJV

[dmitri-smerdyakov]

Small Bump - a Jacob/Queenie fic

Tagging: @pinkdiamonddolphin

This comes off of my Newtina fic, “Lay Your Body Down, Rock Your Tears Away” – the miscarriage is given a glancing mention in that fic as Jacob/Queenie are only present in one section. However, I felt like it would only be right to write this up as a fic because it is a big thing…and I kind of threw a curveball when I wrote that in. Also, one of the sections in this fic is taken directly from that fic (i.e. the Tina/Queenie conversation in the kitchen)

Just a reminder of the Kowalski children (thus far):

Tobias “Toby” – October 1929 (7, nearly 8) Daisy – April 1931 (6) Abel and Ruth (twins) – November 1933 (3, nearly 4)

WARNING: This fic deals with the sensitive topic of miscarriage. Usually I wouldn’t spoil a fic’s plot like that, but it’s a very awful thing and I don’t want to trigger anyone unnecessarily.

If that upsets you or anything, then please, you’re not obligated to read it. The actual thing itself isn’t TOO explicit, I hope, but it IS there and so is the aftermath containing grieving, so…PLEASE don’t read if you don’t want to. I won’t be offended.

In case it’s not obvious, ANGST. ANGST AND A SLIGHT BIT OF SMUT AT THE END (I’M SORRY)

The sound of the children laughing and playing outside seemed so far away – like it was coming from a grainy radio, even from inside the bathroom with the windows open. It was as if it were in another world, a different planet perhaps, and not just in the street outside.

The world she was in seemed to spin as she looked at the red spots in her underwear.

Queenie had had stomach cramps all morning, and while she had been somewhat concerned she had passed it off as lingering morning sickness – that was all it could have been, she reasoned. It would come to pass, as all bouts of morning sickness did. It was only once the children had finished breakfast and ran outside to play that she had gone to the bathroom and seen this – and she had been so shell-shocked that she couldn’t move, couldn’t do anything.

Calm down…it’s probably nothing.

It was with a wince that she pushed herself up off of the toilet, shakily reaching to pull her underwear up and smoothing down her dress; some blood had dripped down the toilet, glistening spots, and she nearly vomited at the sight.

She needed to find a doctor immediately.

It seemed to take all of her energy just to flush the toilet, but Queenie knew she had no choice but to keep going; she would have to find Jacob and get him to either take her to a doctor or phone one. As for the children…well, Mrs Johnson next door had always been kind to the family, so perhaps she could watch them for a few hours.

With one arm curled around her abdomen, she made her way out of the bathroom and towards the kitchen: Jacob would either be there or out in the street with their kids. She was sure that she could feel something sticky in her underwear now, something disgusting, but she pressed onwards desperately.

Thankfully, Jacob was still at the kitchen table reading the morning paper; the window was opened wide so that he could occasionally look out and make sure that the children were still outside playing safely. He looked up and grinned at the sight of her.

“Hey, I finished the washing-up for… You alright, Queenie?”

His expression quickly turned into one of concern – she was probably a mess, she thought to herself, sweating somewhat and nearly doubling over in pain.

“Jacob,” She managed to choke out, and suddenly there were tears forming in her eyes. “I…I’m bleeding.”

A doctor had been called to the apartment urgently, and it took a full half-an-hour for him to arrive; by this time, all four of the Kowalski children had realized something was amiss and retreated inside – though their father adamantly told them to stay in the front room to play. Ruth complained loudly at the thought of missing out on something interesting, stomping her foot while Abel started to suck his thumb, and it took Toby’s gentle coaxing to get her to play with her dolls.

“What’s wrong?” Daisy whispered to Toby once the twins were out of hearing range. “Is it Mama? Is she having the baby?”

“Don’t know,” Toby shrugged; he knew something wasn’t right, though he didn’t know what, and despite being only seven he was still the oldest – it was his job to make sure his younger siblings (twins especially) behaved themselves in the meantime. “Come on, let’s play – Ma and Pa will come and tell us soon.”

Meanwhile, Jacob had taken to pacing in the hallway; the doctor had ushered Queenie into their bedroom, ordering him to stay outside and out of the way while he examined her properly. It was going to cost an absolute fortune, calling a doctor to the house – but it was necessary, an emergency, and money wasn’t important in this case.

I hope she’s okay – she’s gotta be, right?

After forty minutes, the doctor slipped out of the room; he looked rather grave as he approached Jacob, tightening his tie and frowning unpleasantly.

“Mr Kowalski? I’m afraid we weren’t acquainted properly earlier,” He said quietly. “Doctor Williams. I would say it’s a pleasure to meet you but…well…”

Jacob didn’t bother wasting times with pleasantries, instead taking a step forwards and looking at the doctor worriedly. “How is she, doc? Is she okay? And the baby, she’s pregnant-”

“She was pregnant,” Doctor Williams corrected stiffly, and he lowered his gaze. “I’m dreadfully sorry, Mr Kowalski… I tried my best, but sometimes these things just happen.”

“So…she’s…”

“I’m afraid that your wife has lost the baby,” The doctor continued morosely. “She’ll be fine, so long as she rests in bed for the next few weeks, and once she’s recovered then you may try again. I’m…I’m truly very sorry, Mr Kowalski. Really.”

He couldn’t speak; it was like a lump had blocked his throat and made him unable to make any noise, to breathe. He couldn’t move either, his feet melded to the floor as his brain tried – tried so hard – to process what he had been told.

“She wasn’t very far along, by the looks of things, so I expect the bleeding will stop shortly; if it hasn’t within the next twenty-four hours then don’t hesitate to give me a call. Other than that, all I can recommend is plenty of bedrest and perhaps some pain medication for the cramps.” He shrugged on his coat and picked up his hat from the hat stand by the door, giving the other man a sorrowful look. “Again, I’m sorry for you and your wife’s loss.”

And then the doctor was gone, leaving Jacob feeling completely and utterly alone.

His father had always been a typical masculine man, assertive and tough; he had not approved of his son’s love of baking, nor of his close relationship with his grandmother – his words still rang in Jacob’s head sometimes, like a ghostly echo.

“Men do not bake, Jacob; that is a woman’s job. I will not have my son prancing about in a silly apron in a bakery all day.”

His father had also been the kind who believed emotions were a “woman’s thing” – men who showed emotions were not truly men. However, he was sure his father had never had to deal with anything quite like this in his life.

He would later be ashamed to admit that he was actually terrified as he pushed open the door to his and Queenie’s bedroom; for one thing, he didn’t know what he could say. His own heart was aching and heavy, the news still sinking in, and he didn’t know what he could possibly say to his wife to make her feel better.

No. He couldn’t make her feel better – nothing would make this better.

Queenie was curled up in bed when he entered, lying on her side and staring out of the window; she turned her head slightly at the sound of the door creaking, and her eyes were rimmed red. For a moment they just looked at each other, and it became obvious that there were no words to possibly express this adequately.

Finally, she gave a sniff and turned away from him. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Jacob managed weakly, and he tenderly sat down on the opposite side of the bed; he didn’t dare get too close to her, afraid that if tried touching her she might break.

“This is…my fault…I …I lost our baby, Jacob. I killed it.”

He found himself shaking his head. “Nah, you didn’t…don’t you dare think that, because there’s no way that’s true…it’s just…” He swallowed the lump in his throat, and it only seemed to swell. “It happens. I don’t know why, but it does…”

But Queenie was shaking her head, and suddenly she was sobbing brokenly into the pillow; it hurt Jacob to see her like this, especially knowing there was little he could do to help. He wanted to reach out and hold her, to comfort her and assure her it wasn’t her fault – but the last thing she probably wanted was to be touched, he thought to himself, to be told such a useless thing.

She let out a choke, rolling over onto her other side and reaching out. “No… Jacob, please… Come here… I need…”

He didn’t hesitate now as he reached over and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into him; she pressed her face into his chest and continued to cry, fingers gripping the fabric of his shirt tightly.

“I’m…I’m so sorry…”

“Don’t, Queenie,” He murmured weakly. “Don’t… You ain’t got a thing to apologize for.”

Jacob held her close as she continued to sob into him, closing his eyes to hide the fact that he was close to tears himself.

Toby knew something was wrong when there was no sign of their mother or father after two hours.

Ruth and Abel were both becoming cranky, having missed their naps to play, and Daisy was biting her lip anxiously as she kept casting her eyes over at the closed door. Toby, himself, was rather hungry and desperate for some lunch – but he was worried he would walk in on something awful if he attempted to find his parents.

“Bored, Toby!” Ruth announced with a whine, clutching at his jumper. “Want Mama!”

Toby took her hand and lead her over to where Daisy was sitting on the carpet; Abel followed behind, blinking tiredly. “I know. Come on, let’s play.”

“Don’ wanna play,” Ruth complained. “Wanna sleep.”

Daisy reached out for the twins, and they came to her with no qualms. “Well…we can play Mamas and Papas,” She informed them. “Toby will pretend to be Papa, and I will be your Mama – and you will be our babies.”

“I wanna be Mama.”

“We’ll take turns,” She promised, petting her younger sister’s head. “Now, come on, babies; let me put you into bed for your naps.”

Toby watched them, and he couldn’t help but think that his sister was far smarter than he had thought.

The twins didn’t argue as Daisy helped them onto the couch; the two were so small that they easily curled up on the cushions together comfortably. She removed her cardigan and draped it over Ruth, and Toby willingly handed her his jumper to place over Abel, so that they wouldn’t get too cold.

“Now I’m going to be chilly,” Daisy sighed miserably as she took a seat opposite the now-sleeping twins. “Why are Mama and Papa not here? Is something wrong, Toby?”

“I don’t know,” He muttered, looking at the door to the hallway once more. “They can’t be too much longer, I think.”

Daisy was silent for a moment, looking down at her skirt thoughtfully. “Do you think Uncle Newt and Auntie Tina got our letters? Mama said she’d send them off with hers.”

“I think so.”

“Then why haven’t they written back yet?”

Toby sighed. “I don’t know, Daisy. They’re probably busy; Uncle Newt is a Magi-something, and Auntie Tina is an Auror – they’ll write back when they can.”

“Oh.” She paused thoughtfully. “I wanna be an Auror when I’m older…that or a baker, like Papa.”

It was only five minutes later that they heard footsteps; both of them were relieved when Jacob appeared, and Daisy clambered out of her seat to greet him enthusiastically.

“Papa! You can play now! Is Mama alright? Is Mama gonna play too?”

Toby was only slightly older, but he knew that something was still very wrong; their father wasn’t grinning like he usually did, and he looked ill as he embraced Daisy.

“I…er… I can’t play at the moment,” He said carefully, and his voice was close to cracking. “See, Mama is…she’s not very well.”

Daisy stared up at him, eyes wide. “Not well? What’s wrong with her? Can I see her?”

“Not at the minute, Princess. She needs to…to rest.”

Toby frowned worriedly. “Is she gonna be okay, Pa?”

“Yeah, she will…I think she just needs some peace and quiet,” Jacob answered weakly, and his eyes swivelled to look at where the twins were sleeping peacefully. “Alright… How about we take a trip to the bakery?”

“But it’s Sunday,” Daisy reminded him, looking confused as she studied him.

“I know, but…my treat.”

She looked absolutely thrilled by this, immediately running out into the hall so that she could get her coat and hat; Toby simply gazed at his father and crossed his arms. “Pa… Is Ma really okay? What’s the matter with her?”

Jacob forced a grim smile onto his face as he gently shook both of the twins awake; they stirred, rubbing their eyes and pouting. “Yeah, your Ma is…she’s gonna be fine. Like I said, she’s just a little sick – you ain’t got nothing to worry about.”

Their parents weren’t the kind who lied to their children – occasionally they avoided telling them something, usually for a good reason, but they never lied.

Still, Toby couldn’t help but feel that something was dreadfully wrong.

Queenie had fallen asleep by the time they returned from the bakery, curled up underneath the blankets like a new-born kitten. Jacob decided not to wake her, instead making the children dinner himself before putting them to bed.

Thankfully the twins were still very tired after their afternoon trip to the bakery and allowed their father to tuck them in without too much fuss; Abel fell asleep immediately, and Ruth only tiredly asked for an extra kiss to help her sleep. The two older children were waiting for him in the other bedroom, dressed in their pyjamas and sitting up in bed.

Daisy reached out for him. “Papa, where’s Mama? Want a goodnight kiss.”

“Mama’s sleeping, Princess,” Jacob said softly, and he sat down on the bed next to her; she immediately attached herself to his side, throwing her arms around him and resting her head on his shoulder. “Alright…you guys ready to get some rest?”

Toby, gnawing his lip, gave a small nod; Daisy, however, shook her head. “Can you tell us a story, Papa? Mama usually sings to us, but…”

Being honest, he wasn’t much in the mood for telling stories – but the kids needed sleep, and he didn’t want Queenie to worry about them on top of everything else, so he reluctantly agreed. Once both Toby and Daisy were settled in their beds, he started recounting the story of how he and Newt had first met; it was one all of the children enjoyed hearing immensely, particularly when it came to the part about “Uncle Newt’s magical beasties”.

He had barely reached the part where he opened the case when he realized both of them were fast asleep.

It was still relatively early in the evening, but he was exhausted by everything – he wanted to sleep it off, if possible, to escape from it for a few hours. With that in mind, Jacob quietly made his way back to the main bedroom and started unbuttoning his waistcoat.

It was only when he looked over at the bed – at his sleeping wife still curled up – that he faltered; he couldn’t possibly get into bed next to her, he thought, she wouldn’t want that…not so soon after what had happened… The very last thing he wanted was to make her uncomfortable or upset in any way.

There was nothing else for it.

With a sigh, Jacob finished changing into his nightclothes before reaching for his pillow; there would be a spare duvet in a linen cupboard, and he’d make do on the couch. It would be extremely uncomfortable, sure, but Queenie having space was more important than his own feelings.

Men are rocks, His father had said, Men don’t get emotional over these things – that’s women.

No, he wouldn’t allow his own feelings to get in the way – he had to be strong for her, he told himself later that night as he tossed and turned on the couch, had to be there in case she needed him.

It was unsurprising that he didn’t sleep well that night.

The first thing Queenie noticed when she woke up was that she ached all over; whether that was from the position she’d slept in or something else, she didn’t know, but she felt awful. The next thing she registered was the smell of pancakes – that would be Jacob making breakfast, she thought, which meant that Toby and Daisy would be going to school soon.

Her heart sank at the thought of her children; they were more than likely confused and worried for her. A part of her suddenly longed to hold them in her arms again, to kiss their foreheads and smooth down their hair – she wanted to know that they were there and safe, even if the baby wasn’t.

The doctor had recommended bedrest for at least a week, though he had informed her that it was likely she’d feel physically better within just a few days – emotionally, of course, was an entirely different story. While she did feel like curling up and just crying, another part of her felt as if she should perhaps get out of bed – if only for some food and a wash. She felt disgusting, and she was well-aware that she had bled all over the sheets; she felt sick at the thought, bile bubbling up inside of her.

There was a quiet knock on the bedroom door before it opened; Jacob hesitantly took a step into the room, and he looked just about as awful as she felt. She was well-aware that he hadn’t slept beside her that night, that he had dressed early that morning and left without saying a word, and she couldn’t help but feel somewhat hurt – it was almost as if he was avoiding her.

“I…I made breakfast,” He told her, and his voice sounded hoarse. “Got the kids ready and everything – I’m gonna take Toby and Daisy to school, but I’m taking the day off.”

Queenie looked up at him and heard him thinking of how he’d left Henry the shop-boy in charge of the bakery for the day; there were other employees who would come in and assist too. Her husband almost never took the day off from the bakery.

“You want anything to eat?”

“I’m fine,” She told him quietly. “But…But I really need a bath.”

The blood is probably everywhere, she thought miserably, in the sheets, in my underwear, on my slip-

“Oh. Of course. Well, I can take care of the kids,” He assured her half-heartedly. “I’m bringing Ruth and Abel with me to the school, so…”

You can relax? No, that sounds wrong, she’s not gonna relax.

“Alright,” Queenie said, avoiding looking at him – more so he didn’t have to say anything. “Sure.”

She waited until she heard the door to the apartment close, the kids’ voices disappearing as it did, before moving from the bed; she felt numb at the congealed stains in the sheets, hurriedly averting her eyes as she made her way to the bathroom down the hall. She definitely needed to clean herself off, no matter how distressed she felt.

The water took a few minutes of running before warming up to a decent temperature, and once she was sure it was hot enough Queenie tasked herself with undressing; the knickers she had worn under her slip were stained, of course, as were certain parts of the slip itself. She screwed the garments up in a ball and threw it in the corner, sure she would vomit if she stared at it for too long, and eyed herself in the mirror hanging over the sink.

What had once been a pregnant glow had long disappeared and now her face appeared grey and sunken, old almost; her eyes – once so bright and happy – were red-rimmed and tired. Even worse was her body; she hadn’t been very far along, only a couple of months or so, but seeing the stretch marks from the other pregnancies, the puffy stomach that had remained, only served to remind her of what could have been, what she had lost.

The water was scalding when she got in, but she couldn’t bring herself to care – she wanted out of her skin, out of her body. The baby hadn’t wanted to be in her body, she thought in anguish, even though she had done everything right – she would have loved this baby just as much as she loved the children she already had, would have taken good care of them.

For a long time, Queenie simply sat in the tub, knees tucked against her chest as she stared into the water; it was only when she felt a slight chill starting to invade the air that she slowly began to wash herself off, scrubbing hard with the loofah and letting the water wash over her skin. For a moment she could be clean, could pretend nothing had happened.

But it had happened, of course, and she couldn’t just lie in the bathtub all day.

She clambered out a few minutes later, wrapping a soft towel around herself and drying her body off as the water drained away; she winced at the slight cramp in her muscles, at the clench in her abdomen, and quickly finished drying. She hadn’t brought any clothes with her, and she really did not want to put the ruined slip back on, so she carefully pulled Jacob’s bathrobe off of the back of the door and wrapped it around herself. It was too large for her, of course, but warm and comforting nonetheless.

To her surprise, the sheets had been replaced and the bed freshly-made; it was only then she realized she could hear Ruth chattering away in the twins’ bedroom, probably playing with her brother.

Jacob must have done it while I was bathing.

Of course he had; he was always so thoughtful like that, so generous – he would have moved mountains for her if he could.

Queenie changed into new underwear before hesitating; she didn’t feel much in the mood for a dainty slip, not after that, and so she found herself instead opting for some loose pink pyjamas consisting of a shirt and bottoms. It was more her sister’s style than hers, but in that moment it was more than enough.

She still felt dreadful, of course – nothing would change that – but at least she was clean.

Abel had always been a quiet soul – in fact, he only ever spoke to his parents and older siblings occasionally, and never outside of their home; the only person who he spoke to on a regular basis was his twin sister, Ruth, and even then he was softly-spoken.

He had always felt a special connection with his mother thought; she was warm and soft, and even if he barely spoke to her he still loved her dearly.

It was for this reason that he was worried for her; usually their mother would sing them lullabies at bedtime, would come to the bakery with them – but the last time he had seen her had been a whole day ago, and all his father would say was that she was sick.

He knew better though.

Ruth had been invested playing with her dolls that early afternoon, lining them up and brushing their hair; seeing his chance, Abel quietly told her that he was going to the bathroom. She nodded and didn’t pay him any heed – she wouldn’t follow him there.

Instead of the bathroom, Abel found himself quietly sneaking to his mother and father’s room; he knew his father didn’t want them in there, that his mother needed to rest, but he needed to see for himself that his mother was okay. There was still no sign of his father when he reached the door, so he silently reached for the handle and pushed the door open.

His mother – his beautiful mother – was sat up in bed against some pillows; she was staring out of the window, blonde curls rather untidy, all of the colour gone from her cheeks. It was only when the door creaked that she seemed to realize someone had entered the room, and she turned her head.

She seemed surprised. “Abel?”

Abel immediately clambered up onto the bed, throwing his arms around her. “Mama! Missed you!”

“Oh, honey…” She seemed to be close to tears as she embraced him, burying her face into his shoulder. “I missed you too.”

Abel silently waited for a moment, waiting for what he knew would happen – and it did, it always did.

My poor baby… This must have been so hard for him – I shouldn’t be hiding, I should be with them-

“You sick,” He mumbled softly, pulling away and looking up at her. “Papa said you sick. What wrong?”

She brushed the hair on his head down, and he realized she was definitely sad. “I’ll be fine, baby, I just… I…”

How do I explain to him that the baby is gone? How do I tell him – or any of them – that there’s no baby?

Abel frowned in confusion. “No baby? Where is it?”

Queenie froze at his words, absolutely stunned. “How…How did you know that?”

“You think it,” He explained, and he pointed to her head. “In there. I can hear it.”

“Oh…” Realization dawned over her, and she was crying suddenly. “Oh, Abel…honey, I am so sorry…”

“Where the baby, Mama?” He asked again innocently.

She pulled him back to her chest, letting out an unsteady sigh. “The baby is…is going to heaven, Abe. Do you know about Heaven?”

Abel nodded into her chest. “Mmm-hmm. Angels.”

“Well, the b-baby has gone to Heaven…they’re an angel.”

His mother was crying steadily now, her tears dripping down onto her pink pyjamas; Abel wrapped his tiny arms around her, closing his eyes and thinking.

It okay, Mama. Baby will be safe. I love you.

“Yes,” She agreed weakly, and her hold on him tightened. “I love you too.”

It had almost become an argument, but in the end she had won out – she wanted to see the children and she wanted to see them now. He didn’t want to argue really, fearing he’d upset her, and so he had reluctantly agreed.

The children came to visit together that evening after supper, Jacob close behind, and they all seemed somewhat relieved to see her sitting up (even Abel, who had seen her already without the others knowing).

“You’re alright, Mama!” Daisy stated quite happily, coming to sit beside Queenie; her enthusiasm dipped after a second, however, as she seemed to realize that something bad had happened all the same. “I’ve missed you, Mama!”

“I missed Mama more!” Ruth announced, clambering to sit on Queenie’s other side and cuddling into her. “I missed you most, Mama!”

Toby didn’t smile, seeming to notice that something was still amiss; he did, on the other hand, take Abel’s hand and sit at the end of the bed cautiously. “How are you feeling, Ma?”

“Better,” Queenie lied – well, it was half a lie really, for she did feel better physically. “I’ve missed all four of you so much.”

Surprisingly, it made her feel slightly better to hold each of them in her arms; they hugged her back eagerly, and she heard them thinking about how relieved they were she was really going to be okay – they had been worried about her, and her heart ached at the thought of them being so miserable without her.

She was still absolutely heartbroken, of course, and it wouldn’t disappear anytime soon – but the pain seemed to ebb away just the tiniest bit holding the four of them.

A few nights later, Queenie was still awake when Jacob entered the room to change; she watched him quietly in the dark, just observing silently.

When he reached to take his pillow off the bed, however, she reached out and touched his arm. “Don’t.”

Jacob looked surprised. “Oh, no, I…I don’t mind, honest…”

“I don’t want you sleeping on the couch,” She told him firmly. “It ain’t comfortable at all. Come on, the bed’s more than big enough for us both.”

He still looked gob-smacked, if a little anxious, but climbed underneath the covers nonetheless. For a long moment the two of them lay there in bed together, not touching or saying a word; there was complete silence.

After a painfully slow minute, Queenie rolled onto her side and buried her face into her husband’s shoulder. “Jacob? Would it be too much to ask if…if you just held me?”

She could tell he was worried – worried of upsetting her with unnecessary physical contact, worried of pushing things too far – but he carefully wrapped an arm around her all the same. She took a moment to just breathe him in, to feel his strong arms holding her close.

“Thank you,” She found herself whispering into the dark, closing her eyes. “Thank you.”

It was October when Newt and Tina came to visit; all of the children were looking forward to seeing them again, particularly upon learning that they’d be bringing the case with them. Queenie had dressed somewhat modestly that day, still rather uncomfortable but excited all the same – she hadn’t seen her sister in over a year, and she had missed her so much that it hurt.

She decided not to mention the miscarriage to them – it wasn’t relevant.

It was more than easy to forget, she found, when she was embracing Tina; she could hear her sister’s thoughts, a mixed cauldron of joy and misery.

“Teenie! I’ve missed you so much! I’m sorry we ain’t been able to visit but…well, you know how it is with children…”

Tina’s smile had been more of a grimace. “Yes, I know. I’ve missed you too, Queenie.”

If only I’d had you with me…perhaps all of this baby-trying business wouldn’t have seemed so awful.

Her sister tried to block her out but it was too late; Queenie couldn’t help but feel shocked as she pulled away from the hug. “Teenie…”

“Please,” Her sister pleaded, eying where their husbands were standing just meters away. “If we have to talk about it, can we talk about it in private?”

“Of course,” Queenie agreed sympathetically – she knew how that felt. “Ladies’ chat.”

Once the children had gone down into the case with Newt (Jacob eagerly following after them), Queenie set about making some tea and coffee in the kitchen.

“You’ve had an awful year, Teenie,” She found herself sighing, flicking her wand so that the kettle boiled; another flick caused two mugs to float out of a cupboard to sit on the table. “I wish you’d have told me everything in your letters.”

“I’m sorry,” Tina muttered, somewhat sarcastically. “I just didn’t think it would be right to mention those kinds of things in a letter – what if someone intercepted one and read it?”

The blonde witch couldn’t help but huff at that. “I suppose so…I still wish you had told me.”

Once the tea had been made, the two sat at the table opposite each other; Queenie examined her sister with a sympathetic expression, eyes growing sadder with each thought she read.

…I don’t understand. We’ve been trying since January and nothing. What is taking us so long? Is there something wrong with me? It has to be…all of those pregnancy potions…and then I haven’t heard from any of my team in Bulgaria for six months…everything is just getting out of hand…but this baby-trying business – I just don’t understand…what am I doing wrong?

“Oh, Tina…” She murmured, truly upset. “You have had a bad year.”

Tina looked down at her mug, desperate to look anywhere but at her sister. “No kidding. It’s…it’s been difficult, to say the least. We’re still trying, but things just don’t seem to be working.”

Queenie reached over to cover Tina’s hand with her own. “Teen, you really shouldn’t blame yourself. I know Newt doesn’t. And you have three children – three lovely children – so you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.”

And he didn’t; she had read her British brother-in-law’s thoughts as he’d entered the home, and he’d been thinking about it too – though he was blaming himself, not his wife.

“I…I suppose,” Tina allowed. “It’s just…it’s difficult because you and Jacob are having another baby now, and I…I wish that was us so badly.”

Queenie’s felt the colour drain from her face, her heart sinking into her stomach. “Tina…it’s…it’s not what you think…”

“No, I know you would have never tried to rub it in,” She sighed, shaking her head to herself. “I’m just being bitter…bitter, prickly Porpentina-”

“Tina.” Her voice was suddenly weak, as if it weren’t even hers. “I…It’s… We’re not having a baby anymore.”

What on Earth is she talking about? She wouldn’t get rid of it, of course not, so what…Oh.

“Queenie…I’m so sorry,” She whispered, and suddenly her thoughts were entirely focused on her – sympathy, pity, worry. “I’m…really…I…”

“Don’t worry,” Queenie said softly. “It was a few weeks ago… We’d barely sent the letter off when… Never mind.” She looked down at her mug, shoulders sinking as she continued to speak. “Please don’t say anything to the children – Jacob and I, we didn’t know what to say and…and it’s still a rather sensitive subject for him as well. Please don’t mention it.”

Tina nodded weakly. “I won’t,” She promised, and she reached to grip her sister’s hand in her own. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you, Queenie, and that you and Jacob had to go through this. Are you going to…you know?”

“Try again?” Queenie didn’t even wait for a response. “Maybe in a few months, but right now we can’t even think of…well.”

She could tell what her sister was thinking: that her problems seemed silly and marginal now, that it was far worse to be pregnant and have it ripped away. Tina had always tried to protect her, from the day their parents died, and to see her like this was making her feel sick.

“Don’t worry about me, Teenie,” Queenie insisted, and she gave a half-hearted smile. “I’m a big girl now – I’ll be okay.”

Tina squeezed her sister’s hand tightly in her own. “I know you will – but I’m your sister: it’s my job to worry anyway.”

Oh, Teenie… I wish you wouldn’t worry about me. You have far more important things to think about than me now.

It was a full month after the incident when she turned to him and pressed a kiss to his lips.

Jacob froze at the contact, hastily trying to shift away. “Queenie…”

“I know you don’t wanna hurt me,” She murmured softly. “You won’t. Please, Jacob…please, just so I know…?”

So I know you really love me still – that you don’t hate me for losing our baby.

He swallowed, unsure of how to feel. “You don’t want me touching you…you ain’t gonna want that, of all things…”

“I do,” Queenie insisted truthfully, and she seemed to get slightly teary-eyed. “I do, Jacob… Don’t you want me anymore?”

Of course I still want her! She has no idea how much, but after what happened…the last thing on her mind would be something like that…

“Honey,” She continued before he could speak, cupping his cheek with her hand. “You do want me…I won’t break.”

Jacob was still unsure, though he was fully aware that his trousers were much tighter now than they had been before – it had been an entire month, after all. “I…I dunno… Only if you’re real sure…”

“I am,” She agreed, looking him straight in the eye. “I want you to love me.”

I always love her – that’s never changed. “I…Fine,” He muttered nervously, gently placing a hand on her back. “But the minute you feel like you wanna stop, you let me know and we stop.”

She nodded in agreement, leaning in again. “Of course.”

Usually their love-making was passionate and fun – that hadn’t changed, not even with four children – and they always made sure to enjoy it; but this time was different. This time it was slow and careful, getting to reacquaint themselves with one another; it was more about the gentle touches, the careful caresses, than getting off. It was less sexual than emotional, as odd as it seemed, but in that moment in seemed to make perfect sense.

Jacob couldn’t help but think that his wife was still so beautiful – she had always been beautiful to him, of course, and would always be as far as he was concerned. He still considered himself very much the luckiest man alive to be married to her, to have started a family together – what she ever saw in a guy like him, he would never understand.

She seemed somewhat unsure of her body now, but he soon put those fears to rest as he kissed and worshipped every mark, every inch of skin, every plump curve left over from bearing children. She seemed to quiver underneath him with every touch, particularly when he started to lovingly palm at her chest, and it didn’t take long until she was begging him to make love to her properly.

He was slow and careful as he pushed in, and for a moment they stayed like that: Queenie was crying silently, tears streaking down her cheeks as she held him inside of her, and he worried if he’d accidentally hurt her or pushed her too far.

She shook her head. “No, honey, no… I just…I love you, that’s all.”

It seemed silly, in hindsight, to cry over that – but Jacob understood. “I love you too - don’t you forget that.”

She laughed tearfully. “I won’t.”

It didn’t last particularly long – but it didn’t need to. The point wasn’t to achieve pleasure but to take comfort in the knowledge that, despite what had happened, they loved each other and nothing would change that. He made sure, all the same, to let her reach the edge first as he continued to touch and squeeze her body, eventually reaching down to rub between her legs while he pressed kisses to her neck. She cried out as she came, clutching him and nearly sobbing as she repeated his name and the words “I love you”. It wasn’t long before he followed behind, straining above her and groaning before he collapsed on top of her.

It was a few minutes later that Queenie came to, and she noticed that there was something wet against her breasts; it alarmed her when she realized it was her husband crying heavily.

“Jacob…” She murmured weakly, cupping his face. “Honey, what��s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Jacob denied, pushing himself away. “I’m…I’m fine, really…”

I’m real stupid, crying like that…real men don’t cry. They don’t cry about sex or love, and they definitely don’t cry over babies…

Queenie let out a gasp, pulling him back towards her immediately. “Don’t you dare think that!” She whispered furiously. “Of course you can cry… And you can definitely cry in front of me!”

“I’m…I’m sorry…”

He seemed to be letting it all out suddenly, and she read it in his thoughts; he hadn’t allowed himself to cry over the loss of their baby, not really, instead focusing on keeping the kids safe and on helping her. He had neglected to look after himself during that time, and that seemed awfully wrong to her.

She wrapped her arms around Jacob, embracing him as he continued to cry heavily. “That’s it, honey…let it out…”

After a few minutes of this – of her comforting her husband – Jacob pulled away once more, shaking his head. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…it’s just…”

“You ain’t gotta explain to me,” Queenie told him quietly. “I know.”

There was no more talking between them as she pressed a kiss to his temple and they lay down together; they fell asleep in each other’s arms that night, bodies pressed close together, and it suddenly seemed as if the worst had passed.

I was going to end this fic with the discovery of their next baby being on the way but it felt a little out of place to me…

Anyway, I hope this was alright – I’m still unsure of how to write Jacob and Queenie, to be honest! You’d think after 17 viewings of the film plus writing fanfiction I’d know but…obviously not!

And, yes, I will start on the Jakweenie Wedding Night Smut soon ;) We need more Jacob/Queenie fanfics in the fandom, so if you’re a writer who has an idea…go ahead!

[dailyofficereadings]

Daily Office Readings January 14, 2020 at 11:00PM

Psalm 119:1-24

Psalm 119

The Glories of God’s Law

1 Happy are those whose way is blameless, who walk in the law of the Lord. 2 Happy are those who keep his decrees, who seek him with their whole heart, 3 who also do no wrong, but walk in his ways. 4 You have commanded your precepts to be kept diligently. 5 O that my ways may be steadfast in keeping your statutes! 6 Then I shall not be put to shame, having my eyes fixed on all your commandments. 7 I will praise you with an upright heart, when I learn your righteous ordinances. 8 I will observe your statutes; do not utterly forsake me.

9 How can young people keep their way pure? By guarding it according to your word. 10 With my whole heart I seek you; do not let me stray from your commandments. 11 I treasure your word in my heart, so that I may not sin against you. 12 Blessed are you, O Lord; teach me your statutes. 13 With my lips I declare all the ordinances of your mouth. 14 I delight in the way of your decrees as much as in all riches. 15 I will meditate on your precepts, and fix my eyes on your ways. 16 I will delight in your statutes; I will not forget your word.

17 Deal bountifully with your servant, so that I may live and observe your word. 18 Open my eyes, so that I may behold wondrous things out of your law. 19 I live as an alien in the land; do not hide your commandments from me. 20 My soul is consumed with longing for your ordinances at all times. 21 You rebuke the insolent, accursed ones, who wander from your commandments; 22 take away from me their scorn and contempt, for I have kept your decrees. 23 Even though princes sit plotting against me, your servant will meditate on your statutes. 24 Your decrees are my delight, they are my counselors.

New Revised Standard Version Catholic Edition (NRSVCE)

New Revised Standard Version Bible: Catholic Edition, copyright © 1989, 1993 the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Psalm 12-14

Psalm 12

Plea for Help in Evil Times

To the leader: according to The Sheminith. A Psalm of David.

1 Help, O Lord, for there is no longer anyone who is godly; the faithful have disappeared from humankind. 2 They utter lies to each other; with flattering lips and a double heart they speak.

3 May the Lord cut off all flattering lips, the tongue that makes great boasts, 4 those who say, “With our tongues we will prevail; our lips are our own—who is our master?”

5 “Because the poor are despoiled, because the needy groan, I will now rise up,” says the Lord; “I will place them in the safety for which they long.” 6 The promises of the Lord are promises that are pure, silver refined in a furnace on the ground, purified seven times.

7 You, O Lord, will protect us; you will guard us from this generation forever. 8 On every side the wicked prowl, as vileness is exalted among humankind.

Psalm 13

Prayer for Deliverance from Enemies

To the leader. A Psalm of David.

1 How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? 2 How long must I bear pain[a] in my soul, and have sorrow in my heart all day long? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

3 Consider and answer me, O Lord my God! Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death, 4 and my enemy will say, “I have prevailed”; my foes will rejoice because I am shaken.

5 But I trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. 6 I will sing to the Lord, because he has dealt bountifully with me.

Psalm 14

Denunciation of Godlessness

To the leader. Of David.

1 Fools say in their hearts, “There is no God.” They are corrupt, they do abominable deeds; there is no one who does good.

2 The Lord looks down from heaven on humankind to see if there are any who are wise, who seek after God.

3 They have all gone astray, they are all alike perverse; there is no one who does good, no, not one.

4 Have they no knowledge, all the evildoers who eat up my people as they eat bread, and do not call upon the Lord?

5 There they shall be in great terror, for God is with the company of the righteous. 6 You would confound the plans of the poor, but the Lord is their refuge.

7 O that deliverance for Israel would come from Zion! When the Lord restores the fortunes of his people, Jacob will rejoice; Israel will be glad.

Footnotes:

Psalm 13:2 Syr: Heb hold counsels

New Revised Standard Version Catholic Edition (NRSVCE)

New Revised Standard Version Bible: Catholic Edition, copyright © 1989, 1993 the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Genesis 4:1-16

Cain Murders Abel

4 Now the man knew his wife Eve, and she conceived and bore Cain, saying, “I have produced[a] a man with the help of the Lord.” 2 Next she bore his brother Abel. Now Abel was a keeper of sheep, and Cain a tiller of the ground. 3 In the course of time Cain brought to the Lord an offering of the fruit of the ground, 4 and Abel for his part brought of the firstlings of his flock, their fat portions. And the Lord had regard for Abel and his offering, 5 but for Cain and his offering he had no regard. So Cain was very angry, and his countenance fell. 6 The Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry, and why has your countenance fallen? 7 If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin is lurking at the door; its desire is for you, but you must master it.”

8 Cain said to his brother Abel, “Let us go out to the field.”[b] And when they were in the field, Cain rose up against his brother Abel, and killed him. 9 Then the Lord said to Cain, “Where is your brother Abel?” He said, “I do not know; am I my brother’s keeper?” 10 And the Lord said, “What have you done? Listen; your brother’s blood is crying out to me from the ground! 11 And now you are cursed from the ground, which has opened its mouth to receive your brother’s blood from your hand. 12 When you till the ground, it will no longer yield to you its strength; you will be a fugitive and a wanderer on the earth.” 13 Cain said to the Lord, “My punishment is greater than I can bear! 14 Today you have driven me away from the soil, and I shall be hidden from your face; I shall be a fugitive and a wanderer on the earth, and anyone who meets me may kill me.” 15 Then the Lord said to him, “Not so![c] Whoever kills Cain will suffer a sevenfold vengeance.” And the Lord put a mark on Cain, so that no one who came upon him would kill him. 16 Then Cain went away from the presence of the Lord, and settled in the land of Nod,[d] east of Eden.

Footnotes:

Genesis 4:1 The verb in Heb resembles the word for Cain

Genesis 4:8 Sam Gk Syr Compare Vg: MT lacks Let us go out to the field

Genesis 4:15 Gk Syr Vg: Heb Therefore

Genesis 4:16 That is Wandering

New Revised Standard Version Catholic Edition (NRSVCE)

New Revised Standard Version Bible: Catholic Edition, copyright © 1989, 1993 the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Hebrews 2:11-18

11 For the one who sanctifies and those who are sanctified all have one Father.[a] For this reason Jesus[b] is not ashamed to call them brothers and sisters,[c] 12 saying,

“I will proclaim your name to my brothers and sisters,[d] in the midst of the congregation I will praise you.”

13 And again,

“I will put my trust in him.”

And again,

“Here am I and the children whom God has given me.”

14 Since, therefore, the children share flesh and blood, he himself likewise shared the same things, so that through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil, 15 and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by the fear of death. 16 For it is clear that he did not come to help angels, but the descendants of Abraham. 17 Therefore he had to become like his brothers and sisters[e] in every respect, so that he might be a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God, to make a sacrifice of atonement for the sins of the people. 18 Because he himself was tested by what he suffered, he is able to help those who are being tested.

Footnotes:

Hebrews 2:11 Gk are all of one

Hebrews 2:11 Gk he

Hebrews 2:11 Gk brothers

Hebrews 2:12 Gk brothers

Hebrews 2:17 Gk brothers

New Revised Standard Version Catholic Edition (NRSVCE)

New Revised Standard Version Bible: Catholic Edition, copyright © 1989, 1993 the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

John 1:29-42

The Lamb of God

29 The next day he saw Jesus coming toward him and declared, “Here is the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world! 30 This is he of whom I said, ‘After me comes a man who ranks ahead of me because he was before me.’ 31 I myself did not know him; but I came baptizing with water for this reason, that he might be revealed to Israel.” 32 And John testified, “I saw the Spirit descending from heaven like a dove, and it remained on him. 33 I myself did not know him, but the one who sent me to baptize with water said to me, ‘He on whom you see the Spirit descend and remain is the one who baptizes with the Holy Spirit.’ 34 And I myself have seen and have testified that this is the Son of God.”[a]

The First Disciples of Jesus

35 The next day John again was standing with two of his disciples, 36 and as he watched Jesus walk by, he exclaimed, “Look, here is the Lamb of God!” 37 The two disciples heard him say this, and they followed Jesus. 38 When Jesus turned and saw them following, he said to them, “What are you looking for?” They said to him, “Rabbi” (which translated means Teacher), “where are you staying?” 39 He said to them, “Come and see.” They came and saw where he was staying, and they remained with him that day. It was about four o’clock in the afternoon. 40 One of the two who heard John speak and followed him was Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother. 41 He first found his brother Simon and said to him, “We have found the Messiah” (which is translated Anointed[b]). 42 He brought Simon[c] to Jesus, who looked at him and said, “You are Simon son of John. You are to be called Cephas” (which is translated Peter[d]).

Footnotes:

John 1:34 Other ancient authorities read is God’s chosen one

John 1:41 Or Christ

John 1:42 Gk him

John 1:42 From the word for rock in Aramaic (kepha) and Greek (petra), respectively

New Revised Standard Version Catholic Edition (NRSVCE)

New Revised Standard Version Bible: Catholic Edition, copyright © 1989, 1993 the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

[updcbc]

June 4, 2017 - “The Bedrock of Stability” Psalm 112

Click KEEP READING to read the full sermon.

Introduction

As earthen vessels—in all our frailties and failures, brokenness and pains, and as we wrestle with our sinful nature and deceitful heart—for us to speak on inward stability is like finding our way home in the dark.

When we look into our inner being and discover who really we are, we cry out to the Lord for him to pour out his mercy on our souls. And we search for someone whom we can share the depravity of our being and who can travel with us and guide us toward our healing and restoration.  

Inward stability is not simply about us and our own doing. It is essentially about our Lord Jesus Christ and his wonderful grace at work in our lives. We yield our hearts to God who can bring healing to our wounded hearts and peace to our weary souls. As fellow wounded brothers and sisters in Christ, we make our journey together based on trust and love so each of us can be a burden-bearer and a healer of souls.

We can grow in the image of Christ when we are honest to ourselves. As we search our hearts we look up to God and join our hands together. Stability in life does not work in isolation. Rather, it is the work of God within the Christian community. We enthrone Christ in our hearts and set him apart as the very Lord of our spiritual bond. We follow our Lord Jesus Christ, whom the prophet Isaiah had portrayed as “a man of sorrows and familiar with sufferings” (Isaiah 53:3). In our journey with him we can find forgiveness for our sins and healing to our wounded souls. In Christ alone we can discover the delight of wholesome peace.

The bedrock of stability is built upon the fear of the Lord and obedience to his Word. In our pursuit for spiritual stability, the psalmist invites us to dwell on the heart of being blessed (112:1) and count the cost of blessedness (112:2-10). The psalm, with an unknown author, is a call for us on the blessedness of a stable life.

A.  The Blessed Person (112:1)

Stability in life is to embrace a blessed life. In the introductory word of presenting a blessed person, the author opens the psalm in worship, “Praise the LORD” (112:1a). The Hebrew equivalent is “Halleluiah!” This word is a call to worship and expresses joy and thanksgiving.

1.  Fear the LORD

We lay the foundation of stability on the fear of the Lord. Upon this foundation we can have the mind of God and sound judgment. “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom; all who follow his precepts have good understanding” (Ps. 111:10a).

As an integral part of worship, God has his own definition of blessedness. The psalmist declares, “Blessed is the man who fears the LORD” (112:1b).

A blessed man is the one who fears the Lord. When Abraham was ninety-nine years old, the LORD had confirmed his covenant with him. The sign of the covenant was circumcision. Every Hebrew male, including those who belonged to his household must be circumcised. In this confirmation of the covenant, the LORD had a clear command for Abraham that set him apart as the father of the Hebrew and the Christian faith: “I am God Almighty; walk before me and be blameless” (Gen. 17:1b). Based on this covenant between the LORD and Abraham, we can draw out defining boundaries on what it means to fear the Lord.

First, it is to know that the LORD is God. This was made clear for the Hebrew nation. When the LORD had delivered his own covenant people from their slavery from Egypt, this was his primary message to them, “I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery” (Ex. 20:2). The LORD is God. And there is no other God but the LORD. Abraham, who came from an idolatrous background, believed in the Lord and worshiped him as his God. His wife Sarah believed in the Lord her God. Their son Isaac, the son whom the Lord had promised them, believed in the Lord his God. The Israelites acknowledged the Lord as their God. Every Christian believes in the Lord God of Abraham and Israel. All nations must know that the LORD is God. This is the authoritative declaration of the first two of the Ten Commandments of God. First, “You shall have no other gods before me” (Ex. 20:3). Second, “You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God” (Ex. 20:4-5a).

What does this mean to us? The God of the Hebrews is the God of the Christians. A Hebrew believes that the Lord God is one. And we do likewise believe there is one God. The Lord, however, revealed himself in history as the Triune God. There is one God in three persons who are distinct from each other but co-eternal and co-equal with each other: Father, Son and Holy Spirit. The whole Christian community affirms this confession of faith as written in two universal creeds: the Apostles’ Creed and the Nicene Creed. May we be careful not to create our own god—whether it is an object we worship or a doctrine about God which is contrary to the Scriptures or a humanistic philosophy of who God is.

Like Abraham and the Hebrew people, the fear of the Lord is to know that he is God—and there is none other. Abraham had passed his faith to his son Isaac. Isaac passed on his faith to Jacob. Jacob passed on his faith to his twelve sons. And the twelve sons passed on their faith to their tribes. The nation of Israel has to pass this legacy of faith to their descendants. And as Christians who are co-heirs with the Israelites of the faith of our father Abraham, we too must pass to our own children the faith of our forefathers that the Lord is God.

Second, to fear the Lord is to walk before him and be found blameless. Abraham walked before the Lord and he was careful to be blameless before his sight. Our daily walk before God is a choice we have to make. We have to be conscientious to live a life beyond censure or reproach.  

At Mount Sinai, the LORD had given Moses the Ten Commandments. Every Hebrew, in their faith in the LORD, must obey these commands in their love for God and for their neighbor. In the Sermon on the Mount, our Lord Jesus Christ teaches us to obey the commandments of the Lord not merely as a moral duty but essentially out of pure motive and devotion to God. Apostle Paul gives a straightforward manner of driving home what it means to fear the Lord. This is the apostolic teaching of Paul on what it means to walk before the Lord and be blameless before his sight, “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people” (Eph. 5:3). The phrase, “not even a hint” should be written in our blood! We must be on guard of our life and testimony that our loved ones and people around us should not entertain the thought or any suspicion on us that we are involved with impure and immoral acts—“not even a hint.” I tremble at these words! This is a strong admonition as a safeguard to our souls.

2.  Delight in the Word

A blessed man is one who fears the Lord. And he delights in the Word of God. The psalmist declares, “Blessed is the man who fears the LORD and who finds great delight in his commands” (112:1c). In Hebrew parallelism in psalms, the “fear of the Lord” is on equal footing with finding “great delight in his commands.” They are integrated and inseparable. A man who fears the LORD takes God at his Word.

Hebrew parents have a primary role at home. They must teach their beloved children the fear of the Lord and to obey his commandments. Every Hebrew father or mother has to teach the Shema to his or her son or daughter. This Hebrew word literally means “hear thou.” The Shema is the foundational confession of faith for every Hebrew. This is the great confession of faith every Hebrew child must take to heart, “Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one” (Deut. 6:4). This is the core of the Hebrew faith: the LORD is God and the LORD is one God.

The Shema must be driven home in every Hebrew family. In driving home their faith in the Lord, Hebrew parents were commanded to raise their children in the knowledge of the Word of God and obey his commandments. Moses gave these words to Israel:

“These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them down on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.” (Deut. 6:6-9)

And this basic house rule must be observed in the Promised Land.

“When the LORD your God brings you into the land he swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, to give you—a land with large, flourishing cities you did not build, houses filled with all kinds of good things you did not provide, wells you did not dig, and vineyards and olive groves you did not plant—then when you eat and are satisfied, be careful that you do not forget the LORD, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery” (Deut. 6:10-12)

Like the Hebrew parents, the greatest treasure and lasting legacy we can ever give to our beloved children is the fear of the Lord. Like the Hebrews, our children need to anchor their faith in the Lord as their God. And their faith in the Lord God must be translated in their obedience to his commandments.

As Christian parents, we are the first and foremost influential teachers and models to our sons and daughters. Our family is our topmost priority. To nurture our children is our noblest responsibility. We raise them in the knowledge of God and the fear of the Lord. This must begin and nurtured inside our homes. And we see to it that Sunday is a family affair where parents and children go together to a home church to worship the Lord our God.

As parents, our responsibility to raise our children in the fear of the Lord can be the most fulfilling or the most heartbreaking task in the world. Someone wisely said, “We may be successful in our profession, career and business, but if we failed inside our home—and that includes raising our own children—we may see ourselves to have failed in everything.” We make our earnest plea, “Oh God, have mercy on our homes!”

B.  The Cost of Blessedness (112:2-10)

Our home is a reflection of who we are. Stability in life must be reflected inside our homes. Blessed is the man or woman who fears the Lord and obeys the Word of God. Upon this bedrock foundation of blessedness, we can be stable in our Christian faith and living. This calls us to walk before God and to be blameless in his sight. A stable Christian life builds a stable Christian home. In all our noble pursuits, Christianity must always begin inside our home.

1.  Godly Home

If we enthrone the Lord as the God of our lives, we will see the wonders of grace and beauty of heaven resting inside our homes.

a.     Great Children

First of all, the Lord God will bless our children. “His children will be mighty in the land; the generation of the upright will be blessed” (112:2).

Our godly influence to our children can influence our generation. In the mind of the psalmist, godliness inside the home that produces godly children can be a great blessing to his or her own generation. This is the essence for godly children of becoming “mighty in the land.” As Christian parents we earnestly pray that our beloved children will come to the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ and for them to entrust their personal lives in him as their Savior and Lord. It is our earnest desire that they be rooted in the Scriptures and be guided in their lives through the Word of God. It is our fervent petition that they will grow with moral foundation and spiritual discernment with an inner resolve to stand for what is true, right and just. And it is our humble yearning that if ever they may fall along the way that they may learn their lessons well so that they will be able to care for their own souls and be able to minister to their friends who are broken and hurting.

Our children can be a pastor, manager, janitor, teacher, policeman, statesman, an architect, engineer, entrepreneur, doctor, businessman, lawyer, farmer, missionary, blessed singles or future parents. In whatever calling our sovereign Lord may lead our sons and daughters, there is one thing we pray for each of them. We yearn to see the word “godly” as a defining word before their names and titles and for them to make a godly difference in their rightful places under the sun.

b.     Delightful Treasures

Secondly, the Lord God will fill our homes with delightful treasures. “Wealth and riches are in his house, and his righteousness endures forever” (112:3). The message of this song delivers more weight when we find a contrast in the book of Proverbs. “The house of a righteous contains great treasure, but the income of the wicked brings them trouble” (Prov. 15:6).

Our greatest treasure inside our home is God himself. Let us not forget this. There are things which silver and gold cannot buy. And these invaluable things are the core needs inside the home. A house of marbles cannot build a home. Millions in bank accounts cannot purchase love and peace inside the family. Air-conditioned rooms and soft beds cannot guarantee sound sleep and wholesome rest. Abundant food on the table cannot give inward satisfaction and joy. Title and prestige cannot bring humility and harmony inside the family. We always have to remind ourselves that whatever earthly good we may possess or honor we may gain, we ought to humbly look up to God with a grateful heart. Any good thing we may receive and any good deed we may have delivered—may all these things be received and done in the name of Jesus for the glory of our Father in heaven. Let Christ be the center in our home.

One time I happened to visit a lowly Christian family. They dwelt in a small house. Their warm hospitality was a pure delight. They invited me to join them to a simple meal. The food on the table was plain rice and vegetable. Before their table meal was a chosen passage in the Scriptures posted on the wall: “Better a meal of vegetables where there is love than a fattened calf with hatred” (Proverbs 15:17).

2.  Godly Influence

A blessed home offers a godly influence in the society. The home of Abraham was the channel for the Lord to have built the great nation of Israel. Likewise, Israel was called to be a blessing to the nations. Every Hebrew can be a blessing to his neighbor if he follows the way of the Lord which he commanded Abraham, “I am the Lord Almighty; walk before me and be blameless.” The standard set by the Lord for the Hebrews is the same standard of faith and godliness required of us, Christians.

a.     Grace and Compassion

We are called to be gracious and compassionate. “Even in darkness light dawns for the upright, for the gracious and compassionate man.” (112:4)

The righteousness of God can shine through us in a dark and sinful world. In our fallen nature, we have built our own prison walls of seclusion and estrangement. In hiding our true selves from others, we wear many masks. As a consequence, we do not only become strangers to our neighbors but also become estranged to ourselves. We are not what we really are and could hardly become what we ought to be. The description of our Lord Jesus Christ to the Pharisees as “whitewashed tombs” has its own application to anyone who is a stranger to his or to her own self. We can be a different person to different peoples. We can create smokescreens to hide our crumbling world. We can even be zealous in the ministry as a cover up to our hidden sin and disgrace.

We may not fully realize but perhaps our brother or sister beside us is screaming inside! Someone out there or right here is crying for help. Could our neighbor find someone whom he or she can trust and not be condemned or rejected when he or she opens up his or her broken world? In the Lord’s grace and compassion, we are called to build a safe community among us where each one can listen to each other’s pains, affirm each other’s worth, forgive one another’s wrongdoing, treat each other with dignity and grace, and guide one another toward godliness.

b.    Generosity and Justice

We are also called to be generous and just. “Good will come to him who is generous and lends freely, who conducts his affairs with justice” (112:5).

Generosity is an act of kindness without expecting anything in return. Justice, in this context, is to conduct our affairs and deal with our neighbors in good will and wholesome manner. Generosity is unconditional kindness; justice, in this setting is kindness with accountability. Generosity and justice are like two good friends coming from different directions to help a poor neighbor who is in need. The generous friend gives his neighbor food to eat, supplies his immediate needs and lends freely without any interest. The just friend gives the neighbor a loan so he can earn his own living and makes him accountable on how he uses the fund or he can provide him a work and guide him to become a trustworthy and productive person. If we are generous and just, another friend will come and dwell into our home: goodness. Goodness is a gift from above. Our Heavenly Father will not withhold any good thing for anyone who fear him and whose walk is blameless.

3.  Stable Life

If we are generous and just, and heavenly goodness becomes a permanent resident inside our home, we can stand firm amidst any storm in life. In the Lord, we can be safe in the eye of the storm and be secure in the midst of a raging storm.

a.     Unshakeable and Remembered

If our hearts are right with God, we can face anyone without fear and shame. “Surely he will never be shaken; a righteous man will be remembered forever” (112:6).

We all have our own limits and breaking points. Is anyone among us whose faith have been seasoned through time and testing could ever testify that it is much easier to face and overcome any trial that may come on the way ahead? Let us be honest to ourselves. At times, even among those spiritual giants and mature among us, could still see their own selves lost in the jungle and groping in the dark how to find their way out. In their most trying moments, we will see these godly men and women among us holding on to God in earnest prayers and overflowing tears. Yet, how long will they be able to keep their grip at the end of the rope? A helping hand from us can sustain them to keep on with their grip. And when all our hands get weary and tired and our grips get loose, at the edge of the cliff, our sovereign Lord will deliver his righteous ones. David, a man after God’s own heart, in going through his inconceivable grief and heartrending pain, offered a song of prayer to the Lord, “A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all” (Psalm 34:19). In darkness, the light of the righteous ones gives its brightest radiance. The unfading and far reaching light of the righteous “comes down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows” (James 1:17b).

b.    Secure and Steadfast

And if our hearts remain true and pure before God, whatever may happen to us, we have every good reason to go on with life.

“He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD. His heart is secure, he will have no fear; in the end he will look in triumph on his foes” (112:7-8).

In our journey with God, he reserves the right to be silent to us. We still have serious questions laid out to him that remain unanswered. We still have earnest petitions poured out to him not yet granted. We still have heartbreaking concerns entrusted unto him unleashed. We still have inward yearnings committed to him unfulfilled.

In all our “disappointments” with God, does he deserve our trust and love? Let us not lose sight of the cross of Christ. At the cross, all our disappointments with God can find their rightful places as we may be filled with awe and wonder in the agony of Jesus and in the silence of his Father in heaven. The Son cried out to his Father, “Why have you forsaken me?” The Father answered him in silence and turned his face from him. At the cross, the Father abandoned his Son. This was the greatest pain in the heart of the Godhead between the Father and the Son and equally shared by the Holy Spirit. Yet, in the very core of the inconceivable sorrow and unbearable pain in heaven, the Triune God opened his wounded heart to an unfriendly world to welcome unworthy sinners, like us, so we can become his beloved children and find our eternal rest in his loving embrace. In all our grief and disappointments we can see the beauty of the grace of God. Paul declares, “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed to us” (Rom. 8:18). Apostle John has written a heavenly vision. When we his redeemed people will finally dwell in the very presence of God, “He will wipe every tear from their eyes” (Rev. 21:4a).

 4.  Enduring Legacy

Those who are morally and spiritually stable are those who stand firm on their ground in the midst of the insidious temptations and great storms in life. At times they may see themselves abandoned by God and wrestle with the unimagined loneliness in their hearts. Unknown to a suspicious world, they could be the most hurting men and women on the planet earth. Yet, in their overflowing tears and overwhelming pains, they remain calm, quiet and stable. For in their broken world they enjoy intimacy with the Lord. And in the richness of the grace of God they offer a lasting legacy to the world.

a.     Lasting Godliness        

Those who fear the Lord leaves a lasting legacy of godliness. “He has scattered abroad his gifts to the poor, his righteousness endures forever; his horn will be lifted high in honor” (112:9). The righteous will always cherish the poor in his heart and will ever be mindful on how he can help those who are in need. Abraham, being richly blessed by the Lord, became a great blessing to the nations. We are recipients of the divine blessing. Jesus Christ is the fulfillment of the promise of blessing given by the Lord to Abraham. In our Lord Jesus Christ, we are a blessed people. We, Christians, must be the most generous people on earth. And as light and salt of the world, we, Christians, ought to be the lowliest servants and greatest champions of truth, justice and righteousness.

b.    Dread over the Wicked

This is a heavenly call. It may cost our very lives. To a self-centered and selfish world, the wicked may see this as nonsense and a waste of life. In the end, the wicked will swallow their own pride to their own disgrace. “The wicked man will see and be vexed, he will gnash his teeth and waste away; the longings of the wicked will come to nothing” (112:10).

 Conclusion

In this dark, sinful and broken world, we are called to become godly men and women who count the cost in making a moral stand on what is true, right and just. We choose to fear the Lord and delight in the Word of God. This is the bedrock foundation of an upright and stable Christian life. This is the way of the Lord for us to be blessed and be a blessing to the world. What does it mean then for us to fear the Lord our God?

First of all, let us enthrone the Lord to be the God of our home. The word of the Lord to Israel is for every one of us, “I am the LORD your God” (Ex. 20:2). The Lord is God. The Lord of Israel is the Lord of the Church. The God of Israel is the God of the Church. The Lord is God of the Hebrew home. The Lord is God to every Christian home. In every thought, word and deed inside our home, may it be done in the name of Jesus Christ through the anointing of the Holy Spirit for the glory of our Father in heaven. Let us build a godly home as our haven of rest.

Secondly, let us teach our children the fear of God. The Hebrew home is governed by the Holy Scriptures. Likewise, the Christian home must be governed by the Word of God. Hebrew parents have the sacred responsibility to teach and nurture their children in the knowledge and fear of the Lord. As Christian fathers and mothers, this too, is our noble task. May our children be great as lowly servants in our homeland. May they manifest a delightful testimony inside the home and make a godly influence in the society. May our sovereign Lord bless and keep our beloved children. May they fear the Lord and delight in his Word.

Finally, let us be faithful in our covenant with God. For both Hebrew and Christian, salvation is absolutely by grace and obedience to the commandments of God is the fruit of our faith. We are called to trust in the Lord and obey his Word. The Ten Commandments are the ten disciplines of grace for the Hebrews and Christians. They must be written in our hearts. We renew our covenant with our Lord God and our Christian brethren. We make things right with God and man. This is a great service to our souls. Now, we yield our all to the Good Shepherd of our souls and find solace in his loving embrace, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.” The Lord has forgiven us. Forgiveness is such a precious gift that binds us together.